Martin (John Amplas), a young man who looks around 20-years-old, boards a train in Indianapolis, Indiana for New York. At night, he breaks into a sleeping car and sedates a woman with a syringe full of narcotics. She struggles, but he tells her not to struggle or be upset because she wont feel pain. After a few minutes, the woman falls asleep, and Martin has sex with the unconscious woman. Afterwards, he slices her wrists with a razor blade so he can drink her blood. The woman bleeds to death in her sleep.
In the morning, the train stops in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where Martin disembarks. He is met by Tata Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) an elderly and hostile old man who claims to be his cousin from the Old World. Together, they travel by another train to the town of Braddock, a dying industrial suburb. They walk to Cuda's large house where he shows Martin his living quarters. Cuda then accuses Martin of being an 84-year-old vampire from his old country. He has taken in Martin because he is family, but tells him, "First I will save your soul. Then I shall destroy you." Martin denies being a vampire and implies that Cuda is merely his uncle rather than his cousin. Cuda then puts up strings of garlic on the doors to his and his granddaughter's room, and then holds up a small cross when Martin approaches him. Martin takes away the cross, and even takes a bite of the garlic mocking these attempts by saying bitterly, "There's no real magic... ever". Cuda tells Martin that he can come and go as he pleases. But he also warns Martin that he will kill him if he kills anyone in Braddock. He also tells Martin to stay away from his granddaughter Christine (Christine Forrest), whom arrives home from her job that evening.
Cuda introduces Christine to Martin, but also warns her to stay away from him. But Christine instead strikes up a friendship with Martin who confides in her about his vampire heritage. When Cuda later confirms Martin's claims to be a vampire, Christine, not surprisingly, refuses to believe either one. She thinks that Cuda and the other members of her family have driven Martin to insanity by making him think that he is a vampire. It is never revealed if Martin really is a vampire, or just a shy and lonely youth with troubled issues. Christine is the only person that Martin gets the courage to talk to. When Christine's boyfriend Arthur (Tom Savini) arrives at the house for dinner, Martin stops talking and backs away despite Arthur's attempt at a conversation. Christine later confides in Martin that she hopes to leave Braddock someday with Arthur, even though Martin points out that Arthur treats her badly and is both verbally and physically abusive towards her.
When Christine sees that Martin won't talk to anyone else, she buys him a phone which he installs in his room. Martin begins to repeatingly call a radio talk show where he describes what it's like to be a vampire. He becomes known on the radio as "the Count" to all the listeners. But the patronizing host (Michael Gornick) thinks he's just crazy.
Martin gets a job at Cuda's grocery store of stocking shelves, hauling boxes around, and even gets to be a delivery boy for some of the customers. One of his customers is a certain Abby Santini (Elyane Nadeau), who becomes taken in with Martin. She is a very friendly young woman who is depressed when she tells Martin that her husband is unfaithful. But Martin still does not have the nerve to talk with her, so she is happy to have someone to confide in with her life problems. Martin phones the radio show host to describe his infatuation with the housewife and senses that she wants to have sex with him. When the radio show host asks Martin if it is a sexual problem that he has involving women criticizing him during sex, Martin replies that he has never had sex with a woman who was awake.
One day, Martin travels by train to outside Braddock to look for victims. At a supermarket, he follows a young woman (Sarah Venable) home to her posh suburban house. He sees the woman's husband (Richard Rubenstein) leave for a long business trip, and Martin decides this would be the right time for more feeding. Martin returns to the house after dark and breaks in through the garage door. But it is Martin who gets the surprise when he bursts into her bedroom to find her in bed with her adulterous lover Lewis (Al Levitsky). After a vicious struggle, Martin jabs both of them with hyprodermic needles with narcotics, and waits for the drugs to take affect. He drags the unconscious body of Lewis from the house to a clump of trees across the street where he kills him by shoving a broken tree branch into his neck and drinks his blood. Martin returns to the house where he has sex with the unconscious woman. But out of compassion and pity, he decides to let her live.
Martin begins to have romantic monochrome visions of his vampire past (real or imagined), where he drained blood from a young woman and was chased through the streets of a nameless European town by a torch-lit mob.
During one Sunday at church, Cuda brings home Father Howard (George A. Romero) who asks him about the possibility of exorcism and demon possession. Father Howard calls upon the elderly Father Zulemans (Clifford Forrest, Jr.) over at Cuda's request. Together, Cuda and Zulemans confront Martin his bedroom and attempt to perform an exorcism on him. At this point, Martin remembers (another real or imaginary flashback), in the Old Country of people trying to perform an exorcism on him, and he flees them. Martin then flees from Cuda and Zuelmas as well. A little later that night, Martin terrorizes Cuda in a children's playground when he puts on a Dracula cape and puts false fangs into his mouth to pretend that he really is a vampire.
One day, Martin finally musters the courage to talk with Mrs. Santini during a routine delivery to her house where he tells her that he's aware of her attempts to seduce him and wants now to have sex with her. After having sex for the first time, Mrs. Santini becomes more depressed for she tells Martin that her husband just left her because she discovered that she cannot bear children, and that her desires towards him are based on sex and nothing else. But Martin wants to stay with her and help her move on with her life. Martin tells the radio show host about his affair with the housewife and that he no longer has the urge to attack other women.
Meanwhile, Arthur meets with Cuda and tells him that he wants Christine to leave town with him so they can get married and start a family. But Christine becomes angry at Cuda when he tells Arthur that insanity runs in their family and he shouldn't consider having children with her. Shortly afterwards, Christine packs up and leaves Braddock for New York with Arthur despite Martin telling her that Arthur is abusive towards her. But her mind is made up. Before leaving, Christine tells Martin that she really has no ill feelings towards him and just wants to make a fresh start with her life. She says goodbye to him and promises to write. But Martin knows that with an abusive and possessive man in Christine's life, she probably won't.
Depressed over losing his one true friend, Martin phones the radio show host and tells him that he's getting "shaky" and wants to go out looking for more victims. That night, Martin travels to a rough crime-ridden area of Pittsburgh and attacks two derelicts in a alley, injecting them with narcotics. He kills one of them by silting the bum's wrist and drinking his blood. Martin is about to kill the second one when a police car shows up and gives chase. Martin narrowly escapes during a long chase on foot which leads from the garbage strew streets and through a local store. Martin runs into an old warehouse where a drug deal is going down. A shootout between the two cops and the three thugs begins where all of them are killed, leaving Martin as the sole survivor who casually walks away from the carnage.
One day, Martin finds Mrs. Santini dead in her bathtub, after she had slit her writs with a razor blade. Martin anonymously calls the police to report the body and leaves. He phones the radio show host one final time to say that he really doesn't need friends or people to talk to for he is his own person. But when Cuda learns about Mrs. Santini's suicide, is mistakenly thinks Martin killed her and made it look like a suicide as he's done before. Cuda walks into Martin's room while he is asleep and kills him by hammering a wooden stake through Martin's heart.
Cuda buries Martin's body in his back garden, while over the closing credits various voices from people are heard talking to the radio show host asking the whereabouts of "the Count".
很少看完一部电影那么气，直接是烂片，那我也就没啥期待，搞得阵容那么强大，拍出来这么烂，没情节没冲突没有共情的电影？女主什么烂人？劫匪的一句话说出我心里话呀，你不是什么受害者，你只是交易。所有人生路都是你自己选择的啊，最后演的好像心理压力那么大的，鬼才信。看完只想骂绿茶婊。
挺搞笑的。王彦霖本色出演啊，最后花妞是个彩蛋。
这叫惊悚片嘛？drama comedy更配吧？大聪明劫匪，还有一个自以为是snobbish还觉得自己很义正言顺的富豪，还有“慈善事业”free loader的妻子，感觉更像是婚姻故事呀，这富豪什么都不在乎唯独考虑自己只想要女的给他生崽，她呢一直吃by💊，这俩的婚姻感觉就像是名存实亡的（纯粹的利益交易，嫁给钱和娶个下崽的，完全无爱），这个大聪明robber只是帮他们揭开了罢了，不过坦率地说，这妻子美滋滋啊，富豪死了，还有背锅的劫匪，舒服了呀。不过这个电影实在是太拖了，即便引入了倒霉蛋园丁水时间充数还是显得拖，还有妻子咋就突然就觉醒了呢，而且前一秒劝别人啊你是好人不能越线，下一秒自己沙疯了，这转变实在是突兀，难道就因为tattoo？
要是不总是莫名其妙，好好写剧本好好拍，这个创意还挺好的
狗的真人化还挺有意思的，其他的真的就是网大质量
女主最后杀了丈夫，栽赃给闯入者，自己就是财产第一顺位继承人了呢
狗的真人化还挺有意思的，其他的真的就是网大质量
家里的家具，外面的大黄都能说话了，再也不怕没人聊天没人商量了，还get了感情狗策划一枚
要是不总是莫名其妙，好好写剧本好好拍，这个创意还挺好的
这个编剧真的可以，脑洞大开，天马行空，国产剧很少涉及的奇幻题材，观感还算值得一看，几个桥段涉及精妙。
所有配角都很出彩
女主最后杀了丈夫，栽赃给闯入者，自己就是财产第一顺位继承人了呢
富豪傲慢恶心，年轻漂亮妻子心狠手辣，男主干着抢劫买卖却又唯唯诺诺
天马行空的幻想无厘头，整体看下来轻松有趣。每一个静物和动物的拟人都很有特色，绿色植株很有魅力，大黄狗和阿震每次的对手戏都笑点满满，老Beatle部分最佳。
妈呀，这部电影是如何到达5分的。剧情上用了很多谐音梗和烂俗的桥段，感情上迟迟不推进。这种题材做处理要做出新意比较难，但是做出来了就会很好看。显然并没有。
还有，这片子里丑男含量过高了！麦艾斯！麦艾斯！
不要被这片LowB的卖相骗了，其实是一部难得的黑色幽默好片！那个讲课像说单口相声的考研辅导老师演技居然也很到位，将来绝逼能是喜剧电影的常客！
梁上君子被雷劈后能和静物交流，改过自新……设定可以，但拍出来的东西却好无聊，除了跟静物交流的情节有点意思（狗、马桶、甲壳虫、断腿长椅），其他线都一般。反派好菜//没想到花妞是林更新//蒙娜丽莎这画出来就有被无语到
居然大家都不喜欢？我怎么觉得超好的电影，虽然劫匪一直不把人绑起来有点急人。妻子对自己的评价那一段，劫匪的I don’t give a fuck,特别是丈夫嘲笑所有人的那句I exist, so therefore, you own me,也许这世界每一个人都会觉得自己的存在才是世界的真理，但只有富人可以做到并且拿去恶心人。以及，房子太好看了。
很可爱的电影，爆米花下饭剧，喜欢焦焦。
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